Harry Potter and the Stoned Philosopher
by A Markov
Summary: A wildly silly romp along bizarre tangents, beyond the edges of rationality and across a sea of obscure references in an ocean of insane inanity. (or inane insanity, the jury is still out) Try to keep up as Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived... in a cupboard) discovers the un-boring world. Full of geometry, punctuation, gardening and etymology- all the things you look for in a fanfic!
1. Chapter 1- Goals

**_Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived... in a cupboard) and the Stoned Philosopher:_**

If we're writing our own stories, does that mean we're all Mary Sues?

 ** _Chapter one- Goals  
_**

* * *

In the beginning, once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, on a dark and stormy night, there lived a boy… no, there was a Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard... on a shelf. No, that's not right. It wasn't actually a boy, it was an elf but we're taking some literary liberties for comedic effect. Also there were thousands of these house-elves on shelves, creepy little doll-like things who spied on kids and reported their behavior to their boss who was obsessed with affecting the behavior of children through a poorly-defined and haphazardly-executed system of punishment and rewards. (Seriously, how do you define 'nice' or 'naughty' and why does getting a free source of heat and light in the middle of winter count as a punishment?) This boss was very old, far too clever for his own good (or the good of anyone else) and had a long white beard and Gimlet eyes… in a jar… on his desk. His own eyes twinkled far too much for anyone to feel comfortable around him.

Gimlet was, of course, the famous dwarf who helped Harry… I mean… who helped a Hairy Footer destroy an evil ring designed by the famous and infamous tiny wizard 'Ding' who was famous for being the smallest wizard-smith in known history and infamous for littering his workshop with trapdoors designed to drop everyone taller than him down to his eye level and then surprise them with vaguely worded accusatory questions like: "where were you last night?" and "who was the wench that Goody Shoemaker saw you with?" But even though Gimlet was instrumental in ridding the world of the dreaded 'Wee Ding's Ring," the only thing anyone ever remembered about him was his thousand-yard stare. Can you imagine that? You spend years training in the arts of stealth and combat then you work your stubby little butt off protecting a Hairy Footer as he carries the most evil plot device ever invented across the most detailed world ever described in a book in order to create a fertile field of imagination where generations of authors gather to steal… I mean develop… story ideas and social commentary and the only thing anyone ever mentions about you is your eyes and the fact that some crazy old coot with a long beard has them in a jar on his desk.

It really doesn't make it any cooler to know that the desk was in a drafty old castle somewhere in the far north and that the old man with the long white beard and discomforting twinkly eyes had a funny name. He had an unfunny name too, but no one ever remembered it which is odd because he wrote it down every chance he got, usually on the bottom of one of his reports about random rewards and punishments and their inconsistent effect on the behavior of children around the world. And he wrote a lot of reports about the inconsistent effects of random rewards and punishments on the behavior of children. Like the one he was writing right now about a boy who lived in a cupboard.. but not the boy (who was really an elf) who lived… in a cupboard… on a shelf… spying for him. This report was about Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) and he didn't know anything about the history of literature or his place in it. Also, he thought that gimlets were small tools with a screw point, a grooved shank and a cross handle used for boring holes.

He was right. That's exactly what a gimlet was. And he knew this because his uncle worked for a drill manufacturer and knew all about boring, though, what had happened to piss off the handles remained a mystery. You could probably say that there was no one more 'about boring' than Harry's uncle, Vernon. Boring was his life. He strived for it at work and at home. When anything happened that wasn't boring, he got very upset. For instance, one time Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) saw a motorcycle fly by their car, (not in the air, because everyone knows motorcycles don't fly, just going very fast) and commented about how incredibly un-boring it was. Harry's uncle, Vernon, got so upset that his entire face turned red, like a time-lapse movie of a tomato ripening. Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) thought this was the most un-boring thing he'd ever seen. (He had led a very sheltered and boring life.) Even more un-boring than a motorcycle going very fast along the ground, but probably not as un-boring as a motorcycle flying through the air which Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) couldn't even begin to imagine because his bits that would normally be used for imagining things like that had been dedicated to boring for so long that they didn't know the drill for being un-boring. So Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) made it his goal to say something that would make Harry's uncle, Vernon, turn red like a time-lapse movie of a tomato ripening, every day.

It wasn't much of a hobby, but when your life is as boring as Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard)'s, your excitement meter pegs easily. He was quite content to live with that level of excitement until the day of his eleventh birthday when he went to the grocery store with his aunt, Petunia, and saw the most un-boring thing that anyone had ever seen in the history of ever! A Great Grey Owl swooped into the grocery store with a raucous, piercing cry. It zoomed past Harry's head, landed in the vegetable bin and fixed him with a piercing stare. As the owl's gimlet eyes bored into him, Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) suddenly realized why the stare and the tool had the same name. Though he was still a little confused about the dwarf. He made a mental note to follow up on the words 'spathic,' 'gnostic,' and 'spleen' later and do more research before he used remunerated words in the future. The sight in front of him was so un-boring that it took his brain several minutes to realize he wasn't dreaming. He grabbed his aunt, Petunia, by her sleeve and tugged at it repeatedly. With his other hand he pointed at the amazing thing in front of him and, after several attempts, managed to croak out, "What is that?"

Harry's aunt, Petunia, was very perturbed and not exclusively because the author had completely misused the word 'remunerate' in a previous paragraph, though it was a contributing factor. The main source of her perturbitude was that she was very fond of boring. Her fondness for boring was the reason she'd married Harry's uncle, Vernon, in the first place. Unfortunately for her, they had never discussed the definition of the word and she had been so disappointed on her honeymoon that it had soured her for life. Now she stood in a grocery store in a situation where the only thing boring about it was the owl's gaze at her nephew and an author was not content to misuse existing words, he was now making them up. She sniffed, disdainfully, and with several haughty extra 'aitches' said " **H** -it's **H** -an **H** -ow-ell." She felt a bit of additional satisfaction at having added the extra syllable to 'owl,' and allowed herself a momentary, thin-lipped smirk.

Harry pursed his lips and looked at her as though she had grown a second head. "NO!" he yelled. "UNDER the owl."

Harry's aunt, Petunia, was slightly taken aback by his tone. She was disappointed that her pompous 'aitches' and the extra syllable she had used in 'owl' hadn't even fazed the boy, but she dutifully looked underneath the owl and tried once more. "Th- **H** -at's **H** -an **H** -envelow-peh." She regretted the extra syllable she'd added to envelope almost immediately but there was nothing she could do about it now.

Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) threw his hands in the air like he cared very much and no one else in the room was paying any attention to what was truly important. "UNDER THE ENVELOPE!" He screamed.

Harry's aunt, Petunia, was acutely aware that his antics were drawing attention. She was also slightly embarrassed by her recent failure at pompousity and very angry at the author for making up another word. Also, the presence of all the suggestively shaped produce had made her very much aware that she was far away from boring and that she was getting further away from boring every year and that there was a possibility that she wouldn't be anywhere near boring at any time in the future. This upset her enough that she forgot to add any syllables or 'aitches' to her next sentence. "That's an eggplant."

"An eggplant," her nephew marveled. He reached for it reverently, completely ignoring the giant owl which was trying to shove the **H** -envelow-peh in his face. He picked up the dark purple fruit and stared at it in wonder. Then Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) raised the eggplant over his head, met the owl's Gimlet eyes and declared, "I've got a new goal!"

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 _Next time- Some speculation about eggplants, a decision on the color of our favorite bad boy's hair and David Tennant makes a guest appearance three books early._


	2. Chapter 2- Di-Angles

_**Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived... in a cupboard) and the stoned philosopher.**_

 _If a fanboy writes a fanfic and someone else actually reads it, is he still pathetic?_

 **Chapter two- Di-angles**

Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) was feeling mixed emotions. It had been less than a day since he had discovered his new purpose in life, (For those of you who skipped the first chapter or have very poor short-term memory or just weren't clever enough to follow along- at the end of the last chapter, Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) abandoned his goal of saying or doing something that would make his uncle, Vernon, turn red, like a time-lapse movie of a ripening tomato, every day, and set himself the goal of saying or doing something to make his uncle, Vernon, turn dark purple, like a time-lapse movie of a ripening eggplant, every day. But, this is where Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) got slightly worried. He had never actually seen a time-lapse movie of a ripening eggplant and there was an outside possibility that eggplants were purple from the beginning. If that was the case, he wanted to make his uncle, Vernon, turn purple like a time-lapse film of a ripening tomato… _If_ that tomato was going to end up being the same color as a ripe eggplant, every day.) and Harry's uncle, Vernon, was currently a lovely shade of eggplant. So, he should feel happy because his daily goal had been accomplished. However, he hadn't actually done or said anything to achieve this goal. That distinction belonged to the very large Hairy Footer that had burst into the cabin at midnight. Harry was confused by this. Firstly, he wasn't sure why they were in a cabin or how they had arrived there because the author had skipped over a bunch of stuff and secondly, he'd always pictured Hairy Footers as quite small, thirdly, while it was, technically "challenge complete," he hadn't really done anything and fifthly, he had lost count of the things that were confusing him.

Confusion about goals aside, watching the large Hairy Footer befuddle his uncle, Vernon, and embarrass his cousin, Dudley, was most definitely un-boring. A fact that Harry's aunt, Petunia, was also keenly aware of. During the incredibly exciting, hours-long, comedy chase scene, (Which had taken Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) and the Dursley family from Little Whinging through a veritable plethora of snobbish literary phrases, clichéd near misses, and the inevitable long hallway filled with identical doors- where they had a surprise encounter with David Tennant and Billie Piper which was actually quite funny and worked really well despite the fact that it was a visual gag and David Tennant wasn't supposed to show up in the story for another three books- to an isolated cabin in the middle of an ill-defined nowhere.) which the author had inexplicably chosen to omit from the narrative, she had allowed herself to hope that there might be some boring in the future but in her heart, and other places, she had realized that she was just setting herself up for disappointment.

After the Hairy Footer had cowed Harry's uncle, Vernon, and pigged Harry's cousin, Dudley, and mongoosed Harry's aunt, Petunia, he told Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) that his life was supposed to have been very un-boring and that he didn't have to go into the boring family business. That there was a whole un-boring world out there, inside of (but not part of) the other whole un-boring world which was also out there and should not to be confused with the first whole un-boring world, which the author probably should have spent a few minutes coming up with a better name for. In fact, the boring world that he lived in was actually very small. There were only three companies that manufactured boring stuff and, due to the way corporate structure works, Harry's uncle, Vernon, worked for two of them. (The other one was a front for the British Dental Association and the less said about that, the better.) The Hairy Footer offered to take Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) shopping the next day for the supplies he needed in the un-boring world. (The first un-boring world which the author _still_ hadn't spent any time coming up with a better name for.) Harry's uncle, Vernon, entertained them by changing the color of his face through the entire red spectrum. Harry's cousin, Dudley, squealed and ran from the room on all fours and Harry's aunt, Petunia, smoked a cigarette and smiled because she'd never felt so bored in her entire life.

Shopping in the un-boring world was, as you would expect, un-boring. There were sticks that shot sparks, books that read themselves and so many different colors of fruit that Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) was sure he could set a new goal for himself every day for a year and never run out. The high point of the day was when Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) started reading his new book about the color spectrum. He discovered that chartreuse was actually a shade of green… or yellow… though in the un-boring world it was sometimes a pinkish-magentaish-red… and not, as he had previously thought, a medical condition requiring the removal of one's Mandela. His shopping trip got even more un-boring when he went dress shopping. He had decided to wear a dress because a boy wearing pants was kind of boring and he was most definitely un-boring now. In the dress shop he met the prettiest boy he'd ever seen who told him all about elitism and how he needed to embrace it if he wanted to be the right kind of un-boring. Then the pretty boy introduced himself but Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) was so busy trying to figure out which exact shade of white the boy's hair was, (he spent quite a bit of time torn between 'cornsilk' and 'cream,' and eventually settled on 'cosmic latte,' not because he thought it was any more accurate, but because he wanted an excuse to call someone 'the cosmic-latte haired boy.') that he completely missed it. He did manage to zone back into the conversation in time to hear the boy ask, "What's your name?"

"I'm Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard.)" Said Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard.)

"Never heard of you." the cosmic-latte haired boy said. "But I'm curious about how you do that."

"Do what?"

"Say your name with parenthesis and a hyphen."

"It's not a hyphen, it's an ellipse," Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) corrected. "but I understand your confusion since the author doesn't seem to know how to properly use one and has confused it with a closed plane curve generated by a point moving in such a way that the sums of its distances from two fixed points is a constant. Also, You Completely Forgot To Mention My Ability To Verbalize Capitals."

The cosmic-latte haired boy, was named 'Dragon Malicious,' which Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) found out because the boy's mother (whose hair, he decided, after a very short consultation with his book, was a surprising combination of russet on top and buff underneath) swept into the shop like a broom under the spell of an incompetent rodent and picked him up by the ear. "Dragon Malicious," She hissed, which was when Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) found out the cosmic-latte haired boy's name, "How many times do we have to tell you not to be so elitist in public?" She looked over at Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) and scrunched up her nose in distaste and asked, "Why do you have a picture of a lion on your forehead?"

He shrugged, "I think the author is just trying to cram as many pop-culture references into this story as-" He was interrupted by a commotion at the back of the store and they all had to dive out of the way to let a red-haired girl and a pants-less blond boy run past.

The rest of the shopping day passed in a blur because the author was tired of shoehorning in references and just wanted to be done with the chapter. There were a few mildly funny antics and another bit in a long hallway with multiple identical doors but the second run-in with David Tennant and Billie Piper wasn't nearly as funny as the first one and the whole scene felt forced and tacked on so the author omitted it and skipped to the end of the day where Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) was winding down, trying to make sense of his new completely un-boring life. And, as he sat in front of Madame Fescue's "Emporium Of Completely Legal Grass, No Really, It's Totally Legal, I Swear," blinking away the fumes from the pungent braziers scattered around the tables filled with over-priced snacks, he decided that Dragon Malicious' hair really was more of a 'cornsilk.' But he then decided not to acknowledge that because he didn't want to stop saying 'cosmic-latte haired.' He also decided that if he ever started a band, he would name it "The Pungent Braziers." Harry's uncle, Vernon, would probably turn a very interesting shade of whatever color chartreuse actually was if he heard that his nephew had started a band. And that thought got him wondering if there was anything he could say or do that would make his uncle, turn green, yellow _and_ pinkish-magenta all at the same time.

Then Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived… in a cupboard) jumped to his feet, raised his arms to the heavens and shouted at the top of his lungs, "I've got a new goal!"

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 _Next Time- Three ways to escape from Borg-warts, Problems with the metric system and How to NOT write a scene._


End file.
